rehabitual | (no subject)

[ thumbing a little bit at the end of the filter paper, felix nods like he understands, because he does to an extent. from what he's observed in the few months he's been here, a fairly decent percentage of the population is into having multiple partners, romantic or otherwise - and that's fine! - but it's just not his jam. he can get behind casual sex with no attachments, has practiced as much as soon as he became sexually active, but the idea of handing his heart over to more than one person just - baffles him. then again, he could be biased or blinded or both, thanks to his feelings for a certain someone who isn't here anymore, so what does he know, really.

still, he's curious about something dom's said. felix tilts his head slightly, bringing the cigarette to his mouth and wrinkling his brow. he takes a drag, turns his cheek slightly to exhale, and offers it back to dom again. ]

Aside from like - the obvious. What makes it different here than from back home? Teddie sleeps with other people, right?

[ but maybe it's the label that makes all the difference. as far as felix knows, dom is the only person teddie refers to as his boyfriend, and everyone else is just. everyone else. ]

[ His nod is silent, foot dragging from one side to the other as he leans on the front, just below the toes. ]

We both did. [ Dom even kept doing that here, truth be told. ] It's just the thing I said about who he'd choose? It feels like I'm not really his. So he isn't really mine.

… You guys were right. I wasn't really separating him and Teddie like I should. Didn't wanna see it, but it's kinda impossible to ignore when he's falling in love with even more people. I fucking hate the idea of being 'one more', you know?

[ though it was never about being "right", some part of felix feels validated when dom says those words. he also feels kind of sour about it too, because he didn't want to be right about theo and teddie being separate enough to be different, he didn't want to be right about dom maybe blurring too many lines too quickly. he didn't want his friend to end up getting hurt. felix's mouth twists slightly and he glances away for a moment to let the small spike of shame over feeling validated pass, and then looks back at dom.

in a way, he thinks he sort of gets what dom is feeling. i'm not really his, so he isn't really mine is kind of how he felt about julian to be honest, but that's not anything he'd ever admit and it's not even really the same anyway because felix and julian never really had anything that was real, at least not mutually. still, he nods his head like he understands how it feels. ]

... Are you guys still friends at least? Or would that be too, uh - complicated.

I don't know.

[ It hits him with the truth as much as it answers Felix's question. What are they now? Theo wanted to stay friends, but Dom can barely think about him without ten pangs of guilt, let alone stand the idea of being around him and acting like nothing happened. Like they didn't happen. Dom can't be happy and friendly when he is feeling neither way, unlike so many people here. ]

Like, there's no way I can avoid him forever, is there? [ He doesn't think he wants to either. ] What would you do?

[ even though they're tucked away in his tent, felix still looks in the direction of the manor - or rather, what's left of it - mouth twisting slightly and head tilting like he's seriously considering dom's first question. if this conversation was happening before half of the building burned down, felix would think that it'd probably be fairly easy to avoid theo if that's what dom really wanted. as it stands, there aren't a whole lot of places to go out here on the lawn, cooped up in their tents. eventually, everyone will run into everyone at one point or another.

felix opens his mouth like he means to answer, but he finds himself pausing. what would he do? well. he closes his mouth, eyes falling to his dirty sneakers for a moment. one of his shoes is untied, and he leans down over his knee to retie it to keep his hands busy and also so he has an excuse not to look at dom. ]

So, uh. Jules and I hook up sometimes. [ well, they used to, but messing around was never exclusive to just here. felix admits this tentatively, like he's giving up information he thinks maybe he shouldn't. if julian never wants to talk about it with him, then he's almost positive he wouldn't want felix talking about it to someone else. he's... trying to be a good friend though, so if this somehow gets back to their mutual friend, wherever he might be at the moment, he'll deal with the consequences when the time comes. ] It's - not the same as you and Theo or you and Teddie obviously, but.

[ but unfortunately felix caught feelings a couple summers ago back home, which is a hard thing to admit when he's sure his feelings are one-sided, so he just avoids admitting it at all. unfortunately, omission of this detail makes what he's trying to say a little bit hard to follow. ]

Even if we stopped, even without [ he waves a hand down by his shoe, ] that, we're still friends. I'd rather have that than nothing at all. [ he finishes tying his shoe, which took way too long, and sits up. after a beat, he laughs kind of awkwardly and avoids eye contact for a second time. ] But I'm also probably the last person anyone should take any sort of serious advice from, so. Grain of salt or whatever. Ha ha.

[ It's good that Felix ties his shoe; the moments they spend not seeing each other allow Dom to drop the mask he's had to put on for a while, expression fully vulnerable, lost, staring at … nothing. It's easier not to focus on any of those signals, sometimes. Easier to shut off this particular sense; hearing comes next, while scent is too hard to ignore unless it's drowned out. See: weed overpowering anything else he might've picked up.

Felix doesn't really tell him anything he hadn't guessed, at least where it concerns his activities with Jules, or his feelings. Dom had called him out about it, hoping he'd act on it. Then maybe he could be as happy as —

— as he thought he was with Theo. Dom doesn't groan at himself out loud, but maybe he should. Uncertain, idly biting his cheek, he makes a little noise with his tongue, brows furrowed.]

Even if you felt guilty? [ A beat. ] What if you ended up making him hate you for stopping?

Well uh, for starters, [ he hunches forward again, elbows on his parted knees, hands hanging kind of limply in the space between as he looks up at dom. ] If anyone's gonna call it off, it'll be him.

[ at least, this is what felix currently believes, but there's a future somewhere out there in which felix gets tired of not talking about it. where he gets tired of pretending he cares less than he actually does, that he's not attached. there's a future where julian calls him late with that tell in his voice, asking him if he wants to hang out, and instead of taking the bait like he always does he turns him down and hopes everything else about their relationship stays the same. none of this is currently on his mind though, and this isn't really meant to be about him anyway. he was just - trying to relate.

felix idly twists a ring around his right thumb. ]

Listen, I don't think any version of Teddie knows how to hate someone. [ if only he knew? ] And if this version, Theo, can't handle someone he's supposed to care about putting themselves first, then - well, maybe this is the one version you just gotta leave alone. If there are other universes out there, there's gotta be at least one where we're the bad guy, right. [ he puts a hand out ahead of himself. ] Not - saying that Theo's the bad guy in this one, just. You know. Generally, there's bound to be a version of all of us that just kinda... sucks, even unintentionally.

[ he says, definitely not believing he's the shit version of himself, but that's a crisis for another day. ]

You shouldn't feel guilty, Dom. Being honest isn't a crime.

[ Felix is right, about so many things. It makes Dom want to say damn it, it makes him wonder why they never talked more back home. Felix is all smart about emotions and people, knows the right stuff to say when Dom feels like it can only go wrong. He stretches out his hand to clasp his friend's shoulder, and he could go for a hug, but maybe Felix would rather not. Maybe Dom is just needy. ]

You're a really good friend, dude. Hope you know that.

[ Cue the obligatory guilt over being the guy in perpetual need of a good friend. Now he's thinking he ought to return the favor more often, but how? Checking in on Felix to ask how he's feeling? That's lame. ]

You know you can count on me for stuff too, right?